Summary Judgment
The jury gave Twisted Root's buffalo burger a resounding vote of confidence that could well stand as one of the highest ratings of this Court's inaugural term, proving that chef-driven burgers are apparently the way to go and a little shameless populism by the burger's petitioner doesn't hurt either.
The Cause of Action received almost universal approval from the jurors who largely complimented the "lean, tasty", "hand-formed" buffalo patties that were "moist", "juicy" and "cooked to a perfect medium rare." Still, a few jurors noted that the buffalo meat is a little tougher and the burger's price a lot steeper than your average patty. One lone juror strenuously objected that he may have gotten food poisoning from his burger, however, the Court takes judicial notice of the fact that the juror in question is Belgian and everything this juror says has to be taken with a grain of salt and a heaping glob of mayonnaise (the same way this juror eats his fries).
Proximate Cause was also highly regarded by the jurors, and the petitioner's decision to allow the jurors to choose their own toppings (also known as crass pandering) paid off with at least one juror who praised the "wise" decision. Twisted Root's homemade ancho-chili ketchup and horseradish mustard were given high marks by most jurors who noted they were "the clear product of 19 years of culinary greatness", "very good" or simply "OMG!!!", although some found them "a little weird". The vegetable toppings were praised as "fresh" and "crisp" by most and the variety of pickle choices were singled out by many, but a small minority did find the lettuce and tomato to be "flimsy". Due to widespread misordering, however, many on the jury didn't sample the wheat bun, but at least one of those who did found it "unremarkable".
Much more of a mixed bag, in the eyes of the jury, were the Ancillary Issues. While many jurors liked the "wonderfully quirky" and "chick cool funky" atmosphere, no one who endured the 30-minute-plus, Bataan Death March-style wait in line to order their burger enjoyed the experience. One juror put it best when he simply stated, when sending in his vote days later, "I'm still waiting in line to order." Other jurors who have been repeat customers of the 'Root' have noticed some minor changes and cost cutting has lowered the experience. One juror noticed explanations on the back of the pop culture name cards that are handed out at the cash register and felt "that's a comment on public schools." Even the petitioner conceded that the switch from metal to plastic silverware has him puzzled. The jury was also evenly split on the sides, with some calling the curly fries, sweet potato chips and fried pickles "fantastic" with "excellent seasoning" while others derided them as "Sysco"-grade (the curly fries), too "razor thin" and sugary (the sweet potato chips) or too darn salty (the fried pickles). The homemade daily root beer choice also got several favorable mentions.
So, the Final Verdict on Twisted Root's buffalo burger is a fairly high thumbs up from our jury and sweet vindication for the petitioner who confidently proclaimed, "This is the best burger spot in Dallas until someone proves otherwise…I dare you." Although one other juror ended her positive review on a cautious note, "What more could a hungry soul want?? An additional cash register, that's what."
It is SO ordered this 13th day of October 2009,
Justice Hamderson, sitting by designation (and shaking head in consternation) for the Burger Court of the Northern District of Texas
Based on his having to wait more than 40 minutes in line for his burger, Justice Lowenburger files the following dissent from the Court's verdict:
"I'm done with that place on weekdays. YOU HERE ME TWISTED ROOT? DONE. Yeah, walk away like you always do, very mature, Twisted Root. BY THE WAY, I faked every "mmm this is good ketchup!""
