Docket No. 2009-01AND: Single Patty Cheesburger at Wingfield's

Submitted by Justice Hamderson
Amended toppings: mustard, lettuce, tomato, pickles
Session held on Tuesday, August 4, 2009 at 12:00 p.m.

Cause of Action (meat quality): 3.66 gavels/5.00
Proximate Cause (bun, toppings quality): 3.50 gavels/5.00
Ancillary Issues (quality of sides, atmosphere, extras): 2.00 gavels/5.00
Final Verdict (overall): 3.25 gavels/5.00

Summary Judgment
From the verdicts, it is clear that, no matter how large and homemade the burger patty, most jurors (and certain of the justices) prefer their burgers with a side of indoor seating, a generous helping of air-conditioning and hold the prostitution solicitation.

The Cause of Action was rated the most highly with one juror pleading to the Court that she "sincerely appreciated the purist, no-bull (errr, no pun intended) approach of my hearty, straight-forward, cheeseburger-as-God-intended." Another juror noted in his pleadings, "No preformed overly pressed corporate formed patty here. The handmade patty gives you the feeling of backyard greatness." And another juror enthused, "This is man's meat... If it is true that human brains evolved because of meat consumption (and it is true!) eating burgers like this will get you to steps up the evolutionary ladder." A slightly more picky juror concurred in part and dissented in part, stating in his pleadings that "greater than one inch discrepancy in the burger thickness from one side to the other outweighed the "charm"... of handmade patties."

The Proximate Cause rated almost as highly with several jurors admiring what one described as the "huge hand sliced chunk of tomato." Still, another juror was not as impressed with the toppings, noting that "yellow mustard and Kraft singles were not up to snuff." The bun quality won both plaudits and criticism with one juror admiring that it was "slightly more absorbent than a Shamwow!" and another faulting the "overly greasy bun."

Without a doubt, Ancillary Issues was the lowest rated category. The lack of indoor seating certainly wasn't helped by the August Texas heat with one juror pleading to the Court that he "was melting faster than the cheese on the burger and there was NOWHERE to sit and enjoy the tasty burger s-l-o-w-l-y like one should." Another factor noted by several jurors was the extra ambience of an apparent working woman being solicited by a john right next to several of the jurors' cars. As one juror dryly noted, "[W]itnessing a prostitution solicitation go down was a negative."

The Final Verdict appears to reflect all of these factors and is perhaps best summarized by a juror who stated in his pleadings: "The burger is excellent, but the overall burger experience is average. I love that Wingfield’s does not cave to the demands of luxury and things like tables, air conditioning and diet coke [Ed's note: Wingfield's has Diet Coke]. Of course, I am a pansy and I will dine in discomfort for good food only so often."