The 2005 Golden Gavel Awards
By Michael Anderson and Anthony Lowenberg
Good evening, and welcome to the Law Reviewers first ever Golden Gavel Awards. We’d like to open tonight’s ceremony with a special thanks to D Magazine and The Dallas Observer for allowing us to rip off their ideas without them knowing about it or suing us for it (and we probably just jinxed ourselves). This year's awards, just as in years past, have a common theme. This year, we present the best of Dallas’ fried foods. And now, let’s quickly get to the Gavelies before the Lipitor wears off.
Best Fried Pickles: Kirby’s Steakhouse. There are two locations, one on lower Greenville where people go to find their fourth wives, and one in Plano, where people take their fourth wives. Either way, skip all the frou-frou appetizers and head straight for the fried pickles, those salty, inch-long slices of fried heaven, served with some sort of creamy garlic dip. Honorable Mention: Snuffer's.
Best Fried Pies – Tex-Mex Category: On the Border’s chocolate empanadas. Yeah, that’s right, On the Border. Hey, at least we didn’t say Taco Bell. Honorable Mention: Taco Bell.
Best Fried Pies – Other: Peggy Sue’s Barbeque. The coconut fried pie is light and flaky on the outside with a light dusting of powdered sugar, and the warm, gooey inside is an absolutely sublime experience. In fact, just about everything is good at Peggy Sue’s, although we have never tried their salad bar. Has anyone? Honorable Mention: Goff’s – the new Goff’s on Hillcrest near SMU, and not the old Goff’s on Lover’s, where your fried pie used to be served with a scoop of Harvey Goff’s “get the *#!@ off my property.”
Best Fried Jalapenos: Fried Rats at the Loon. Plus, it's fun to say, "I'd like some fried rats" to a waitress and not have her look at you like you're crazy (unless you actually are crazy, then it’s not fun at all and you shouldn’t be eating rats).
Best French Fries: Old Monk. No, we're not going to call them freedom fries, and these thin cut, crispy pommes frites go perfectly with the tart and tangy herbed remoulade-like sauce that they're served with. Honorable Mention: Jack’s Burger House. It's all about the secret seasonings (our guess: a lot of salt and garlic powder).
Best Onion Rings: J G's Hamburgers. The burgers may have disappointed (see our review earlier this year), but their onion rings came out hot and crispy without being greasy – truly, an engineering miracle in the world of onion ring technology. Honorable Mention: Goff’s again. Things always taste better when you’re not worried about getting yelled at because you’re left handed or suspected of being a witch. Goff’s rings don’t fall apart as soon as you bite into them, unlike those other guys.
Best Fried Item – State Fair: Fried Snickers. So many fried foods, so little Pepto Bismol! We couldn't find the fried twinkies and the fried peanut butter, jelly and banana sandwich had our hearts all shook up, but of all the fried items we did try and live to tell about it, the fried snickers' blend of pure sugary and greasy bliss wins the honors as the top heart stopper. Honorable Mention: Fried Nutter Butter.
Best Fried Cheese: The saganaki at Opa! Grill. This traditional Greek appetizer is lit on fire tableside, and everyone yells “opa!” Opa, of course, is Greek for “violation of City Fire Code § 32.3.” Honorable Mention: In the world of fried cheese, there is no honor.
Best Fried Chicken: Brothers Fried Chicken. Nobody does it greasier or better than Brothers. Honorable Mention: Popeye's – Love that chicken from Popeye's (and can't stop humming that jingle!).
Best Chicken Fried Steak: Good Eats Caf?. Good eats, great chicken fried steak. Honorable Mention: Bubba's. We swear the gravy is alive!
Best Fried Pastry Appetizer – South Asian: Vegetable samosas at India Palace, one of Dallas’ original, and still among the best, Indian restaurants.
Best Fried Pastry Appetizer – East Asian: You know what? We couldn’t think of a winner in this category, long a sore spot in the Dallas restaurant scene. Send your angry emails to us, we can handle them, sticks and stones and all that…
Best Fried Pastry Appetizer – non-Asian: Empanadas at La Duni. And it’s not fried, but the cuatro leches cake is hands down the best dessert in Dallas. Add one of La Duni’s super strong mojitos, and you’ve got a meal!
Best Fried Italian Appetizer: Arancini at Pietro's. A/k/a fried balls of risotto with mozzarella in the middle. They aren't on the regular menu so you have to ask for them, but you'll be glad you did.
Fried Green Tomatoes & Fried Catfish: Hattie’s. These two categories are lumped together, because you have to have these two dishes together. Hattie’s is the best thing to happen to Southern food since ever. That sentence will make more sense after you try the fried green tomatoes and catfish. What are you still doing reading this article? You should be there by now!
Fried Tortillas: Also known as “chips,” as in chips ‘n salsa. "Chips" means something else in the UK, possibly something to do with warm beer, we're not sure. There are too many Tex-Mex places to choose from, but we’re going to settle with Mi Cocina (the Preston-Forest location). Honorable Mention: Chuy’s (although one of the two salsas at Chuy’s tastes like ketchup and green peppers – an insult and a disgrace).
Best Fried Attorneys: The ones who made time out of their busy day to read this column.
Thanks to our readers for making the last year fun, and to the Dicta for making it expensive (we never got reimbursed for that Standard review, or any of our reviews for that matter). We’re going to go ahead and give ourselves 6 out of 5 gavels, and we'll be back next month with another new review so until then… stay classy, uh, Dallas!
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