|
Just Say No-ni: A Tale of Two Lunches
By The Law Reviewers
Happy New Year everyone from all of us here at the Law Reviewers (ahem, all two of us)!! Our New Year's resolution for this year is to never go to a bad restaurant again… and that's going to have to wait until next year because this month's restaurant, Tahitian Noni Caf?, provided the worst lunch we've had since the invention of a meal between brunch and dinner.
Now, based on our reviews, you probably think we love every place we go to (sure, Dallas City Market was pricey, but so is gasoline these days!), but every once in a while we stumble across a restaurant that really misses the boat, and this place didn't even have a life preserver [insert Minnesota Vikings boat cruise joke here].
Where to start? How about with the fact that, although the restaurant is called Tahitian Noni Caf?, the menu doesn't have any dishes that were recognizably Polynesian, unless putting the word "Polynesian" or "Tahitian" in front of a pizza or a salad magically makes it Polynesian. The only authentic Tahitian item in the restaurant, as far as we could tell, was the omnipresent Noni juice, and we'll get to that in a minute. Apparently, the "concept" for the food at Tahitian Noni Caf? (and this is definitely a "concept" kind of place, quotation marks and everything) is fast-healthy cooking with nothing fried and with lots of sandwiches, salads and pizzas to choose from. One problem is with the taste, as in there is none (with one major exception!). And the prices are outrageously high. Oh, and did we mention the d?cor was cold and impersonal? The little things that did go well were offset by the things that didn't. For example, our $3.25 lemonade was refilled by a polite staff (+1/2 gavel), but our $2.75 glass of ice tea (heavy on the ice part) was as neglected and lonely as our taste buds (-3/4 gavel). Apparently, that fifty cents makes for a big difference in service.
Anyway, one of us ordered the "Tahitian" smoked salmon mango “sushi” roll as an appetizer, the "Polynesian" pizza and a Noni lemonade to drink. All of that totaled over $20. The sushi was very bland, the pizza crust was doughy and the pizza, which had shrimp, ham and pineapple (to give it the Polynesian touch!), was overall about the quality of your local college cafeteria food. Your local east coast college cafeteria. The lemonade was actually refreshing, and yes, that surprised us. The other one of us got the $7 "Polynesian" Chicken Pita and splurged on two 2-oz. shots of the fabled Noni juice for a princely $3.60 each. You can buy better pitas at your local Albertson’s, and we’re pretty sure there’s a Subway somewhere in the West Village area now – that had to be where the rest of the ingredients came from. Oh, and it comes with peanut dippin’ sauce because (a) it had to have something to make it “Polynesian,” and (b) Tahitian Noni wants us to believe that we have to have some sort of dippin’ sauce with every meal – it must be the "Polynesian" way.
So, how does Noni juice taste, you ask? Well – how can we put this delicately – basically like wet dog mixed with moldy cheese rind. Yum! The taste lingered for the next six hours and we worried about it staying down “in the south Pacific,” as it were. The restaurant's d?cor is also very spartan for a place that is supposed to evoke a tropical island.
After the meal, we wandered next door to the conveniently located Tahitian Noni Shop (what are the odds?!?) and marveled at the ridiculously priced products ($12 for an 8 oz. bottle of Noni shampoo, anyone? No? How about a $6 Tahitian Noni brand keychain? No keys, you say? That $12 Tahitian Noni wine sock looks like a good investment. Not a big drinker and on a diet? Treat yourself to some $33 Tahitian Trim Plan 40 Success meal supplement bars. Weight not coming off like you had hoped before the big vacation to Tahiti? Well, look like a native in Tahitian Noni’s assorted array of hats, sweatshirts and t-shirts with “TAHITIAN NONI” printed in a new look-how-cool-I-am-sized font). Meanwhile, at the other end of the store, friendly travel agent-looking people were either booking cruises to Tahiti or scheduling high-colonic Noni enemas.
Upon finally leaving the world of our Noni-mares, we realized that not only had we eaten a really bad meal, but we were still hungry! Fortunately, on the other side of the caf?, and living in a completely different culinary universe, is Campania Pizza and More. We only tried a mini cheese pizza and the nutella dessert pizza, but they were both delicious and baked by an actual Neopolitan pizza chef with fresh ingredients imported from Italy. Unlike our earlier restaurant experience, this pizza looked and tasted like authentic Italian pizza. The place is very cozy and had lots of authentic Italian food products on the wall in case you need to do some quick shopping while waiting for your pizza.
So, this month's review is a tale of two lunches: Tahitian Noni Caf? receives a -1/4 gavel rating and is clearly a deal gone sour. Campania Pizza and More gets a preliminary four gavels and we look forward to negotiating many more lunch acquisitions there in the future. Oh, and this is very important, the Tahitian Noni gift shop also has an 8 oz. bottle of conditioner for $16, to go with your Noni shampoo.
|
Smoke
I had got a desire to start...
Taj Mahal (downtown)
The TAJ MAHAL(Downtown , da...
2009 Golden Gavel Awards
That is good that we can ta...
Chic From Barcelona
For lunch on Friday, April ...
The Law Reviewers
Howdy Chef, We have a dead...