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How The Law Reviewers Got Their Groove Back: Gas Station Cheese Steaks and Ten’s Roadhouse Rules
By Anthony Lowenberg and Michael Anderson
In a world where dark forces (and deadlines) conspire to keep those who would pass on the knowledge of where young lawyers should go to eat their meals from doing their job, two reviewers had the courage to stand up for what's right and tasty. This summer, there will be twice the danger, twice the excitement and twice the heartburn as the Dicta presents The Law Reviewers in their first double feature review.
Because we felt bad about missing our deadline last month, and given the literally twos of emails we received, we decided to make it up to you, The Reader. Face it, you need us. We can’t count the number of times people have said, “Hey, where should I take my lady friend for lunch Friday?” and “You were the inspiration for my throwing the flaming bottle of kerosene through the window of Tahitian Noni Caf?. Please turn me in. I need help.”
Well, never fear, help is here! We start the double review by fading in on a gas station on the corner of Lamar and Ross. Alas, the only gas to be found at Philly’s Finest Cheesesteaks is the gas that dares not speak its name, for as you can deduce from the name, the only liquid being pumped here is grease into your arteries. That sentence was gross in so many ways. There aren’t too many ways to turn a gas station into a restaurant, but PFC, as it’s not known, uses space efficiently. The kitchen is in the former service bay. There is a counter with seats where cans of motor oil used to line the wall, and there are several outdoor tables where cars used to pull in. The menu is simple – there are cheese steaks, fries and fries and cheese steaks. We take that back; on our last visit, management had added a cheese steak salad and Italian ice. We didn’t order the salad. We’re pretty sure that if you asked for a “cheese steak salad” in Philadelphia, you’d end up eating the bottom of someone’s shoe instead.
The cheese steaks themselves were pretty much what you’d expect – large, doughy rolls filled with lots of greasy meat and cheese. Cheese choices range from provolone to American to cheese whiz, and we opted for provolone. The “original” cheese steaks at Geno’s Steaks in Philadelphia takes the whiz, but we just weren’t in the mood for warm cheese whiz on a hot Texas day. You can also order your cheese steaks with onions, peppers, mushrooms, jalape?os, or banana peppers. Unfortunately, they were out of mushrooms, but extra grease is free and mandatory.
The cheese steaks were just OK, we’d say about the same as Texadelphia’s, but what PFC has over Texadelphia is the fries. PFC’s “freedom fries” were excellent, with the skin on the ends, perfectly fried and served hot with just enough salt. They’re actually listed as “freedom fries” on the menu, which is so 2003. Don’t worry, you won’t be called names if you just ask for fries, but if you just ask for French, all bets are off. PFC also serves Italian ice in several flavors and an unlimited amount of free samples, and, in addition to cans of soda, you can buy a bottle of Ozarka since, let’s face it, no one’s asking for tap water at a former gas station. A cheese steak with fries and a drink total to around nine dollars which isn’t exactly a cheap lunch, but the free Italian ice samples help. We recommend the $6 special, which includes an order of French and half a cheese steak.
Speaking of greasy, our second review features Patrick Swayze. The only thing that keeps Ten Sports Grill from bearing a striking resemblance to the bar in the movie Roadhouse is the lack of a philosophical Patrick Swayze-like bouncer who keeps out people who are too stupid to have a good time! Which, on second thought, is probably a good thing. What the bar lacks in Sam-Elliot-look-alikes, it makes up for in flat screen TV’s. The place is basically one large open room with tables and chairs in the middle and flat screens against every inch of the black and tan walls and a bar off to one side, and the room is kept pretty dark even at lunchtime so you can appreciate all that the many ESPN networks have to offer (we prefer ESPN 8, the Ocho!). Your short attention span will love it here because if you don’t like what’s on one TV, you can always check out what’s happening on the other thirty-five. And the food is surprisingly good for a place that looks suspiciously like the Double Deuce.
We tried the fried pickles as an appetizer, and they were very tasty although they had a bad habit of clumping together and the breading wasn’t as stable as those at Kirby’s and Snuffer’s, winners of the first ever Gavelies for best achievement in fried pickles (although they still haven’t picked up their trophies and autographed reviews). The ranch dipping sauce added a nice kick to the pickles. The smaller appetizers like the pickles are three to four dollars, and we could have easily had two orders for our hungry group, but the more sizeable group appetizers ran about six to eight dollars, and are presumably more filling.
Of course, any sports/dive bar worth its Dalton has burgers on the menu so we had to see how Ten stacked up. While not the best burgers in town (no, not the burgers in May’s D Magazine – did that article make you mad too?), they can satisfy a craving, at best. We also had the pulled pork sandwich. The somewhat sweet-n-sour chili sauce blended nicely with the pork, onions, mushrooms and green peppers, resulting in a surprisingly sophisticated taste. The mashed potato and spinach sides were also delicious. The entrees run around ten dollars, which is more of a bargain than PFC when you consider the sides you get and the endless Roadhouse jokes you can make. But make one too many jokes about where Patrick Swayze’s career went wrong and you’ll have to deal with the waitresses who appear to have PhD’s in pain as well.
So, in our first ever double feature review, we’ll give Philadelphia’s Finest Cheesesteaks two and a half gavels. It’s a summer blockbuster that entertains but doesn’t tug on the heartstrings (unless by heartstrings you mean the arteries). Ten Sports Grill gets a solid three gavels. It’s a heart-warming story of a down on his luck boxer who succeeds against all the odds while single-handedly winning the Cold War. Be sure to get to your seats early to watch the pre-movie animated short, “The Law Reviewers v. Dalton – Pain Don't Hurt.”
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