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Kona’s Kinda Crappy
By Anthony Lowenberg and Michael Anderson
Dallas is truly an amazing city. Just 40 years ago, the land on which the NorthPark Center mall sits was rural farmland. In that short time, it has gone from pasture to the very first indoor shopping mall in the world to the place where our citizens can dine on the second most disappointing South Pacific-inspired grub this side of the hallowed Tahitian Noni Caf?. Tahitian Noni is still the standard bearer in these parts for bland, insulting, overpriced "food." But there’s a new kid on the block, and he takes reservations. On a Friday night at NorthPark, you may find that Maggiano’s has a two hour wait, P.F. Chang’s too full to even get in the door, and Luna de Noche is nacho cup of tea. Then, across the hall from Luna, sandwiched between two teenagers and their mom in matching Vail t-shirts and the Swatch store, shining like polished cubic zirconium in the glow of the setting sun, sits Kona Grill.
We were impressed by Kona Grill’s looks. Sleek and suave, it’s like an Audi dealership with a sushi bar and a giant aquarium. Service started out great. Our table was ready at the reserved time, and the cadre of hostesses tag-teamed our seating, with one who checked us in, one who showed us to the table, another who passed out the menus, and a fourth who parked our stroller in the back (walking is for chumps). Our waiter, who we assume by his looks has a day job in a Sum 41 cover band, was friendly and quick to serve one of the many house drinks, a round of Kona Mai Tai’s for the table, and even to replace one of said drinks when someone who will remain nameless knocked their glass over (believe it or not, it wasn't the kid). The setting was right for a great experience. Everything was peachy. Then…
The Mai Tai’s tasted like pineapple juice and ice, and, at $7.50 a pop, only hotel guests should have to pay that much for juice. The impressive looking sushi bar and giant aquarium on the wall behind it belied a rather pedestrian sushi menu. The appetizer of Sweet Maui Onion Rings ($4.95) was thick slices of breaded, sweet nothingness. The other appetizer of Kona Calamari with spicy aioli dipping sauce ($6.95) was more chewy greasiness. People, if you aren’t dining at a place that has bathroom attendants and a guy whose job it is just to put your napkin in your lap when you sit down (although based on the prices, they could probably afford to have someone chew your food for you here), don’t order anything with “aioli” in it, OK? The Big Island Meat Loaf ($14.95) had big chunks of Andouille sausage in it. Andouille sausage? The “Big Island” must mean Avery Island! Truly, an inspiration of Noni-ian proportions.
The Lemon Grass Crusted Swordfish with coconut curry sauce and white cheddar mashed potatoes was adequate, although we didn't taste the lemon grass or white cheddar. The coconut curry sauce did have a good amount of zip to it, though. Most of the sushi was fresh, but bland and forgettable. The whitefish sashimi tasted more like pickled herring, which would be fine if we were eating at Sven's Sm?rgasb?rg Grill (“Park your Fords in our fjords!”), but definitely is not fine when you ordered it from a sushi menu. An unexpected high note was the Island Pasta ordered off the kids’ menu; the noodles swimming in butter, garlic and fresh tomatoes were actually pretty tasty. Probably because of the lack of “Hawaiian” touches. Again, what “Island” Kona Grill is referring to was a mystery, perhaps Sardinia?
By the time the main courses came, our waiter forgot about us. Water glasses sat empty. Two people at our table, sitting across from each other ordered sushi, but the rolls and sashimi came out on one big plate, and we had to wait 10 minutes for someone to bring smaller plates and soy sauce bowls. We would have ordered dessert if someone offered it to us. Finally, mercifully, our check came and we got out of Dodge.
We give kudos to Kona Grill for choosing its location wisely and making the place a seemingly fun place for a night out, if you don’t mind the food. The large crowd varied between Paper City wannabes, empty nesters on a night out, families, and even a bachelorette party and a baby shower.
On our Magnum, P.I.–inspired five gavel ratings scale, with a one being a stern talking to from Higgins and six being chasing a car in T.C.’s helicopter with Rick hanging out the side with a machine gun, we give Kona Grill two gavels (or, an early morning run on the beach to ruminate over the shootout the night before and the clue left by the banker’s ex-wife who mysteriously appeared at Robin’s Nest before being shot by a sniper).
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